Monday, July 20, 2009

Because You Wouldn't Click the Link ...

All right, this is for my SISTERS, because I know my sisters are soooo going to love this! I posted the link below, but you were too scared of the bad words, so I am editing them out. Here is the PG version:

An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f*ing kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*t. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.


Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Sense of Humor?

I lost one more pound today ...

in my BOOBS!

Really, God? Is it that funny?

Friday, July 17, 2009

Gavin's Turn

Gavin tells me, "Dad told me this story about when he was a teenager, like 32 or maybe 24, and he was wrestling, and there was this guy who was 185 pounds, and he SNAPPED his arm. It was just dangling in the skin."

Gavin informed me today that there was a freckle on his "privates." "Oh," I said. "How did the sun get down there?"

"The sun causes freckles?" he asked. "Yep," I answered. Sheepishly, he said, "I have no idea!"

Tuesday, July 14, 2009


Gabe and Gavin are responsible for emptying the dishwasher and putting dishes away each day. Gavin noticed two clean bowls that were sitting on the counter from the day before. He accused Gabriel of not putting them away when he was supposed to. Gabe responded, "There's no proof!"

Gabe and Gavin had just come home from spending the night at their friends' house. They had spent quite a bit of time playing with the baby. Gavin said, "Mom, I wish you would have another baby!" Gabe said, "Oh, Gavin, that's mean! That would hurt Mom!"

Gabe made dinner tonight -- chicken noodle soup from the can. He told me, "Do ya know why I'm so good at making chicken noodle soup? It's because I stir so fast."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Sorry. I Just Have to Share.

OK, this just may be the funniest blog post I've ever seen! I found it as a link on Cake Wrecks. Fair warning -- it uses the "F" word once, and another less offensive obscenity later.

Wendi Aarons: An Open Letter to James Thatcher, Brand Manager, Proctor and Gamble