Today, I am blogging about how it has affected my life. That means a trip down the old memory lane. It isn't something I allow myself to do often, because that usually means comparing myself to the "old" me, and that isn't always pleasant!
Before CFS, I was:
An interior decorator
A church volunteer
A gardener
A good homemaker
A genius
An exercise enthusiast
A social friend
A good wife
A really, really good mom
An avid cook
A nature lover
A shopper
Living with CFS is like living inside a box. Most of those things from the "old" me no longer fit inside my box. The things that are most important to me have to be reduxed just to be able to fit.
I am no longer an interior decorator. That was just a fun hobby for me and completely superfluous. I now volunteer one hour a month at church instead of several hours a week. My garden now consists of a single pot. My current exercise routine is about 15 minutes of stretching a day. I am hoping to be able to add 5 minute of aerobic activity soon. I can do laundry. I visit with friends once a month at my book club. I can cook a quick and easy meal a couple of times a week. I shop online. I still love nature; I just haven't visited in awhile!
My husband is a good husband. He loves me and supports me in every way. He has lovingly lowered his expectations.
Here's the hard part. I am no longer a really good mom. You see, being a really good mom is really hard work. You have to be able to set structure and follow through with consequences when it is breached. You have to be able to weather unhappy children. You have to be able to teach them skills to become independent. You have to work with them side by side. You have to be available to them when they need you, not just when you are feeling good. You have to get up pretty early for the little ones and stay up late for the older ones.
Now, don't get me wrong. I still love my children ferociously, and that goes a long way towards making up for faults. But. I can see how much this has hurt my family. I can see that they are a little lost without me. I can see some crumbling around the edges. I can see their yearning for their mom. You know, the "old" me.
3 hours ago
2 comments:
Your post brought tears to my eyes. I know how hard it is to not be able to do what you want and what you feel you must. But remember that none of us are perfect. I don't know any mom who feels she is doing the perfect job... ever. There are times when you can pat yourself on the back, and others when you feel like you may as well give them away cause you're doing such a horrible job.
Your children may not have the old you, but they are learning other things from the new you. Like tolerance, and compassion, and allowing others to be who they need to be. It will make them more independent because you're not doing everything for them. It teaches them to be responsible for themselves. And even when you're not doling out the consequences, they will generally see that for every cause there is an effect.
Hang in there. Life isn't easy, but as Dale says, "it's better than the alternative."
You have much love and support whether you always feel it or not!
Lynda is so right! Perfectly put.
I love you so much! By writing this we all understand so much better what you are going through. I'm sure this is so helpful to everyone on your CFS page too!
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